Dear Toby,

I have absolutely no idea what deception you or that accursed wife of yours are talking about. And as to what that she can and cannot prove, I would take the words of a sex-crazed, lust-stricken, organ-seeking, vice-bound, groinful dame of 'yours'with a pinch of salt and a splash of soy sauce.

And in any case, it wasn't me.

Disdainfully,

G

Dear Monty,

"His treachery knows no bounds; no limits! The logarithmic curve of his morality defies the very fundamental principles of physics and shows not one asymptote. "

These were the very words that, whilst the the throes of passion, spued out of my wife's mouth. You are ignoble my friend, and it is a shame. No woodpecker in the world may save your soul now.

Yours,

Toby

Dear Toby

It is sad that it has come to this

G.

P.S. I still keep the stuffed woodpecker you once gave my son on the mantelpiece, beside my collection of syphilitic nine-banded armadillos. so highly do I regard it.

प्रिय प्रोफ,

It is obscenely obvious that your academic institution is being run by an elect group of undead monkeys. It is also clear to see that you have joined the masses in replacing your already decomposing brain with a slightly over boiled cruciferous vegetable.

I would have you know that experimental theology has been pronounced a blighted discipline by orders of the grand cleric of the house of xenu, best friend of hiS faithful servant nIck.

With orders to cease and desist,
I leave you with a hug and a good wallop to the unmentionables,

Toby

Dear Tobias,

I am glad, elated and am even mildly standing-beside-myself, having learnt that you too have become privy to the joyous news I have received of late. I am however saddened, embittered and even, I am not ashamed, abashed or even rosy-cheeked to admit it, tearful, when I think of the ways and means by which you have come by this information. I do recall perceiving the remembrance of having noticed an overly curious pigeon ogling the workers changing the sign beside my office door from the meager Dr. Montgomary to the glorious and gold-encrusted lengthiness of Professor Montgomary; PhD. Is it safe to assume it was a member of that crack spy team you employ, the notorious and awkwardly-head-moving Pecking Pack? Alas your zealous espionage has come to nothing, and even worse, for it eases the chore of writing this letter.

Living in an age when the divine right of kings is an exploded and antiquated concept, must we not extend the argument even to religious positions. Thus having recently been acknowledged for my research in experimental and avant-garde theology, I am proposing that I replace you as the head of our little, lets say, organization. You can obviously retain almost all of you duties and refer to me those decisions which are in need of a professorial stamp of approval.

I acknowledge that such a request may be met with opposition, disbelief and even perhaps a sprinkle of infelicity, but I believe even you, Toby, will see the wisdom with which I speak.

Yours and My Own,

The Professor,

G.

Dear Prof. Montgomary,

You bastard!

Love,
Toby

Dear Gregory,

I am saddened by the loss not of your religiosity but by the loss of your mind.

Love,

Toby

Dear Toby,

I am afraid that myopia has caused you to overestimate the importance of the whole crocodile incident. Your totemic beliefs in the holiness of crocodiles is absurd and, worse, unfounded. Please make note that the scriptures only makes reference to the wholeness of crocodiles.

Yours,

godfrey

Dear Dr. G. Montgomary,

With reference to recent events in the news, it is with anguish that I write this little correspondence. I fear that this time it is your wife who has gone too far in using Filipino villagers to capture a poor defenseless one ton crocodile for her own sick perversions.

This will not be forgotten,

Yours,

Toby

Dear Toby,

The news of my excommunication, i am sad to say, has not caused me much surprise. Your wife has been making advances with a discretion that leaves little to the imagination.

What I wish to stress is that if you so desire to remove from your vicinity all the men subject to your wife's monstrous promiscuity, you will be left with an organisation consisting of you and the Satyr, who, of late, has suffered a grievous injury to his unmentionables.

I for one am proud to say that I have never reaped the overripe fruits of her lusts, being rather impartial to carnal acquiantances of an unnatural kind.

Yours, only in a manner of speaking,

G.

Dear Dr. Montgomary,

Please take note that we shall be terminating your service contract with our firm as my wife finds your lovable and sweet.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavours,

Lots of love and I hope you die,

Toby

Dear Toby,

I do hope this letter finds you glorious and luxurious.

My son has let me to believe that you have taken great pleasure in finding my soul, and that you were impressed by its moistness and its warmth. I assure you that I have pulled out not only the ceremonial canine but all four and am now speaking lispily, bloodily and in with the voice of the elect. 

I write not to boast, for how can the meagre doings of one such as me impress one such as you, but to show you and your brethren that I am ready; come what may.

G.

Dear Dr. Montgomary

It is with great pleasure that I inform you that your son Keith has successfully extracted his own left lower canine. This rite of passage has us all in awe of the splendours of the suN goD and hiS faithful servant nIck.


Please do not hesitate to deposit your soul in the little tin box outside my office in return for a set of pliers.


With greatest sincerity and a faithfulnes that is shown by no other;
I am, forever yours,


Toby xxx