Dear Gertrude

It is obscene to have to wait months for a retort to one of my insults! You have had enough time to ponder upon your doings. No apology can quell the fiery rage that burns deep in the trigone of my bladder. You have left me, here, without but a thought as to how badly your silence may affect me. Oh how cruel a world you live in. How ironic that my victory may come round to bite me in the proverbial buttock.

With a melted heart I sit here on my throne; but triumphant I am not. So I reach out and with some warm, recycled air wish you congratulations on your promotion to rector. May it be the thorn in your side that drives you insane. The very thorn that may bring you back to me.

Dear Professor, I am, forever yours,

Toby (and Mephy)

Dear Prof. Montgomary,

Mephy is my wife! She came to you in her dog form carrying a kiwi... the fruit of her very loins! Your insolence knows no bounds. It is an affront to the suN goD and hiS faithful servant nIck!

I leave you to ponder your doings!

Toby

My Syphlitic Friend,

I fear for your sanity. I am afraid that it is more than likely that some wife-borne illness had addled your brain and unhinged your mind.

Let me run you through the events of last Wednesday.

I was at home, tremulously waiting for the doom which was, in turn, waiting for me. I could only sit and imagine with horror the horrors of wife-dom and of pinapple-syrup-dom which were about to visit me horribly. The door bell rang with its typical nautical theme, sung by no other than Michael. I walked, slowly at first, then more slowly toward the end. I turned the gorgon-headed handle of my main-front-door twice removed. There, sitting on the welcome mat (which I had clevely prefixed with 'un' while waiting for your wife), was your dog Mephisto holding a kiwi tween its teeth. A kiwi!

Proposterous!

G.

P.S. I have sent over my wife to have a look at you. As you know she had recently graduated with honours from the University of Zanzibar in Wife-Borne Diseases.

Your Thanks are not needed.

Nor Wanted.

Yours-ish

G.

P.S. I apologise for the fact that I ended and signed the letter twice, it must have been an oversight and it will not happen again.

Yours,

G.

P.S. Bollocks

G.

My dearest Professor,

It is the phoney flight that is the deceit's height. However much I did not want it to end this way; you leave me no choice. I hereby condemn you to a lifetime of living with my wife. Your sentence will be served covered in a fine pineapple syrup. She will have the full authority to fulfil her sordid little heart's desires.

You will become morally alone, physically exhausted and mentally ill.

Your friend,

Toby

xxx

Dear Toby,

I apologise profusely and torrentially for not answering you sooner but the gall and nerve of your letter had me so flabbergasted that I have been comatose for the better part of this week. I believe that you know that I know that you believe that even I am aware that your accusation is unfounded, unfoundable and down right without foundation.

I have several things to add, however I shall confine my response to the shortest, the most Kurt, the most Frank and the most Peter (to mention nothing of the customary musical nature of such replies)

Dear Toby,
Review the facts, before so rashly condemning my acts.
You have known me since the Flight,
(When the Director's son, that knave, that blight;
(Was turned into the order's first Knight
(Oh what a sorry plight!)

You know I have never acted amiss
Even in the time of the Bliss
(When the Director son, that cretin, that clot,
(Was very happily shot
(Yay! and Goodie!).

So is it likely that I have infringed that law most sacred?
Is it likely that I have had a flightless bird butchered (and naked)?
NO.

Look closer and you shall see,
Yes the bird was at birth bereft of flight,
And yes I was indeed there that night,
But before poisoned,
I fixed him to a kite.

Yours (just about)

G.

Dear Greg (If I may),

Aunt Milly notwithstanding, you have shown quite clearly that you are as blind as the proverbial lobotomized chihuahua and I have obviously erred in assuming that you've had insight into your wrongdoings.

I shall, therefore, run you through our my organization's prime rule; which you have blatantly broken:

"An acolyte shall not poison the director's flightless pigeon through the improper administration of low dose Uranium salts"

I was flabbergasted and, may I add, befuddled with your inability to follow such a straightforward rule! Did you think that this act will not be seen as treachery?

Scornfully,

Toby

Dear Toby,

I have had the pleasure of knowing well both your great-aunt Mildred, or Mildy as I called her, and her pearls. It is sad that the proverbial apple has fallen so proverbially far from the proverbial tree.

(Only) Proverbially yours,

G.

Dear Professor,

To share with you some pearls of wisdom brought to you by my great-aunt Mildred: "Quack!"

Toby

Dear Toby,

I have absolutely no idea what deception you or that accursed wife of yours are talking about. And as to what that she can and cannot prove, I would take the words of a sex-crazed, lust-stricken, organ-seeking, vice-bound, groinful dame of 'yours'with a pinch of salt and a splash of soy sauce.

And in any case, it wasn't me.

Disdainfully,

G

Dear Monty,

"His treachery knows no bounds; no limits! The logarithmic curve of his morality defies the very fundamental principles of physics and shows not one asymptote. "

These were the very words that, whilst the the throes of passion, spued out of my wife's mouth. You are ignoble my friend, and it is a shame. No woodpecker in the world may save your soul now.

Yours,

Toby

Dear Toby

It is sad that it has come to this

G.

P.S. I still keep the stuffed woodpecker you once gave my son on the mantelpiece, beside my collection of syphilitic nine-banded armadillos. so highly do I regard it.

प्रिय प्रोफ,

It is obscenely obvious that your academic institution is being run by an elect group of undead monkeys. It is also clear to see that you have joined the masses in replacing your already decomposing brain with a slightly over boiled cruciferous vegetable.

I would have you know that experimental theology has been pronounced a blighted discipline by orders of the grand cleric of the house of xenu, best friend of hiS faithful servant nIck.

With orders to cease and desist,
I leave you with a hug and a good wallop to the unmentionables,

Toby

Dear Tobias,

I am glad, elated and am even mildly standing-beside-myself, having learnt that you too have become privy to the joyous news I have received of late. I am however saddened, embittered and even, I am not ashamed, abashed or even rosy-cheeked to admit it, tearful, when I think of the ways and means by which you have come by this information. I do recall perceiving the remembrance of having noticed an overly curious pigeon ogling the workers changing the sign beside my office door from the meager Dr. Montgomary to the glorious and gold-encrusted lengthiness of Professor Montgomary; PhD. Is it safe to assume it was a member of that crack spy team you employ, the notorious and awkwardly-head-moving Pecking Pack? Alas your zealous espionage has come to nothing, and even worse, for it eases the chore of writing this letter.

Living in an age when the divine right of kings is an exploded and antiquated concept, must we not extend the argument even to religious positions. Thus having recently been acknowledged for my research in experimental and avant-garde theology, I am proposing that I replace you as the head of our little, lets say, organization. You can obviously retain almost all of you duties and refer to me those decisions which are in need of a professorial stamp of approval.

I acknowledge that such a request may be met with opposition, disbelief and even perhaps a sprinkle of infelicity, but I believe even you, Toby, will see the wisdom with which I speak.

Yours and My Own,

The Professor,

G.

Dear Prof. Montgomary,

You bastard!

Love,
Toby

Dear Gregory,

I am saddened by the loss not of your religiosity but by the loss of your mind.

Love,

Toby

Dear Toby,

I am afraid that myopia has caused you to overestimate the importance of the whole crocodile incident. Your totemic beliefs in the holiness of crocodiles is absurd and, worse, unfounded. Please make note that the scriptures only makes reference to the wholeness of crocodiles.

Yours,

godfrey

Dear Dr. G. Montgomary,

With reference to recent events in the news, it is with anguish that I write this little correspondence. I fear that this time it is your wife who has gone too far in using Filipino villagers to capture a poor defenseless one ton crocodile for her own sick perversions.

This will not be forgotten,

Yours,

Toby

Dear Toby,

The news of my excommunication, i am sad to say, has not caused me much surprise. Your wife has been making advances with a discretion that leaves little to the imagination.

What I wish to stress is that if you so desire to remove from your vicinity all the men subject to your wife's monstrous promiscuity, you will be left with an organisation consisting of you and the Satyr, who, of late, has suffered a grievous injury to his unmentionables.

I for one am proud to say that I have never reaped the overripe fruits of her lusts, being rather impartial to carnal acquiantances of an unnatural kind.

Yours, only in a manner of speaking,

G.

Dear Dr. Montgomary,

Please take note that we shall be terminating your service contract with our firm as my wife finds your lovable and sweet.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavours,

Lots of love and I hope you die,

Toby

Dear Toby,

I do hope this letter finds you glorious and luxurious.

My son has let me to believe that you have taken great pleasure in finding my soul, and that you were impressed by its moistness and its warmth. I assure you that I have pulled out not only the ceremonial canine but all four and am now speaking lispily, bloodily and in with the voice of the elect. 

I write not to boast, for how can the meagre doings of one such as me impress one such as you, but to show you and your brethren that I am ready; come what may.

G.

Dear Dr. Montgomary

It is with great pleasure that I inform you that your son Keith has successfully extracted his own left lower canine. This rite of passage has us all in awe of the splendours of the suN goD and hiS faithful servant nIck.


Please do not hesitate to deposit your soul in the little tin box outside my office in return for a set of pliers.


With greatest sincerity and a faithfulnes that is shown by no other;
I am, forever yours,


Toby xxx